Forgiveness
I wish I knew this before
That when you smiled and stared away
It wasn’t insouciant hardness of heart
Rather too much guilt, too much pain
I wish we all knew this before
So we could peer down deep in our souls
And find the apathetic torches
With which we immolated yours
We didn’t know this before;
But now we know too much of past
The past we created in odium, yours as much as ours,
And we have this future now, we gape, aghast
I wish myself away sometimes
Feverishly dreaming of beautiful places
As if the gurgling springs, innocent meadows
Would somehow grant me what only you could’ve…. Forgiveness
=====(c)========================================
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Delusions
So many times to breath for the first time,
To have gone through the same old new chos
Religious, Godless, confused myopic,
Breathing, secreting, cobwebs of thoughts
Will I ever learn and be done with it,
What they call as Wisdom of Stars,
Or in every birth and every death, start afresh,
Like a blank page, innocent? Ignorant?
Somewhere on the brink of dawn or dark,
I know, I knew, the reason and the answer
All I know now, is that, I have known, many times,
And I will know again, for a brief eternity
In the moment, momentous only to me,
when I cease to be
====(c)============================
To have gone through the same old new chos
Religious, Godless, confused myopic,
Breathing, secreting, cobwebs of thoughts
Will I ever learn and be done with it,
What they call as Wisdom of Stars,
Or in every birth and every death, start afresh,
Like a blank page, innocent? Ignorant?
Somewhere on the brink of dawn or dark,
I know, I knew, the reason and the answer
All I know now, is that, I have known, many times,
And I will know again, for a brief eternity
In the moment, momentous only to me,
when I cease to be
====(c)============================
Confessions
They watched her brand new feet
When she was but a two footer,
And spoke no coherent words,
Take her first step and then another
Oh what a clever little child, this!
Best in the neighborhood, nay
best, In the entire town of ours
such a darling, so much promise!
Say, my darling, you think?
Will she be a big shot lawyer,
she in her prim coat and collar
stand up for justice and order?
Oh, I think she’ll be an actor,
Look how she is born to it,
Flirty smiles charades of tears
Can’t tell when she’s playactin’
A clever little one she is I say,
She’ll be at the top of her school
We’ll never force her this way or that
But she’ll make us proud soon
So little Minnie grows up and fast
She’s all they thought an’ some
Lawyer or doctor or actor or anyone
She chooses she may now become
She doesn’t know in her heart although
Which path to set her foot on
Should there be just one, o why
Could she not try it all one by one?
She was hard on herself for this
And pushed herself so much
Reprieve she never gave herself
Worked and brooded, harder again
And thus it went on for the longest time
And Minnie was doing well enough
Well, she wasn’t a lawyer or an actor
But a good job found her somehow
“Course this isn’t the final thing,
For mom and dad are still waiting’
She hadn’t still made it big you see
And time, so ruthless was slipping
Every night, her dear old pillow
Heard her sniffle and mutter in
Dreams, such dreadful dreams she had
Running so hard, never reaching
So one day she said its ‘nuf
And thought she needed a break
Just some hard thinking you know
About the one path she must take
There she sits by her desk alone
‘Mommy I am alright, no one
disturbs me or gets me food right now
till I say its ok and I am done’
“Do you think she is in Love my dear?”
No, I don’t see how that could be
Never saw anyone ‘xcept her cat
Come around, other than you an me
So you think she needs someone?
To ward off some of those blues?
Well, that may be so you know,
No one likes being utterly aloof
When did she get that way honey
Was a happy enough child I guess
She works herself too much I see
Though makes so little progress
Did Minnie hear any of this?
Some tears are surely rolling
She flung that door open wide
Took the car out , went driving
She was back with the fading day
Spoke to none, didn’t Minnie
She had dinner by herself,
And went to bed early
Morning found her room all cold
Just a note flapping on the pillow
Mommy held it close to her heart
they wept, graying, getting old
And days went by, and months and months
They were angry and bitter and morose
Why their child now hated them
Never came back nor called or wrote
He knew not what to think of it
when daddy heard the bell one day
they leapt and rushed without a doubt
It did ring in that familiar way
There she was all right, their girl
Just a bit older than they knew
They dint hug or welcome her in
For a moment she kept standing too
Then there were smiles, tentative
Tears too there were a few
And they had noticed something in her
their daughter had changed for good
When the night fell calm and quiet
and they were afraid to let her be
for they hadn’t had a word till now
about the while she wasn’t seen
that was the time when they sat
together in a dim light in the porch
and she told them in a dreamy voice
of reasons, all travels, and more
“so down and out was I, you know
for I let you both down so
One day in the park I sat alone
‘twas evening, no, just a dusky glow
I looked at the sky above me then
And some magical surprise it was
It had the cleanest blue I’ve seen
Not a cloud or a bird in sight
I didn’t remember how long
It’d been since I saw the sky this way
I looked at it all right, I know
But saw it the first time that day
I asked myself what else I’d missed
So one by one they came
All those things I should have seen
And known that this was it
Like my dear old cat an’ my pillow
Who are surely the best in this world,
My mom and dad and all their cares
And weekends spent together
Well, I knew in my heart that day
What really does keep me going,
Sure, I dint want to believe it then
But I now I am glad for knowing
It doesn’t drive me, as it should
This dream of making things big
Home and hearth, and books and love
That’s what gives me peace
This ain’t what we set out for
But it’s what I really now want
Others I know there are for sure
For them, could be Acting or Law
Its not simple, this business of life,
You’ve taught me all you could
Will you love me now, as you only can
If I tread the familiar road?
======(c)===================
When she was but a two footer,
And spoke no coherent words,
Take her first step and then another
Oh what a clever little child, this!
Best in the neighborhood, nay
best, In the entire town of ours
such a darling, so much promise!
Say, my darling, you think?
Will she be a big shot lawyer,
she in her prim coat and collar
stand up for justice and order?
Oh, I think she’ll be an actor,
Look how she is born to it,
Flirty smiles charades of tears
Can’t tell when she’s playactin’
A clever little one she is I say,
She’ll be at the top of her school
We’ll never force her this way or that
But she’ll make us proud soon
So little Minnie grows up and fast
She’s all they thought an’ some
Lawyer or doctor or actor or anyone
She chooses she may now become
She doesn’t know in her heart although
Which path to set her foot on
Should there be just one, o why
Could she not try it all one by one?
She was hard on herself for this
And pushed herself so much
Reprieve she never gave herself
Worked and brooded, harder again
And thus it went on for the longest time
And Minnie was doing well enough
Well, she wasn’t a lawyer or an actor
But a good job found her somehow
“Course this isn’t the final thing,
For mom and dad are still waiting’
She hadn’t still made it big you see
And time, so ruthless was slipping
Every night, her dear old pillow
Heard her sniffle and mutter in
Dreams, such dreadful dreams she had
Running so hard, never reaching
So one day she said its ‘nuf
And thought she needed a break
Just some hard thinking you know
About the one path she must take
There she sits by her desk alone
‘Mommy I am alright, no one
disturbs me or gets me food right now
till I say its ok and I am done’
“Do you think she is in Love my dear?”
No, I don’t see how that could be
Never saw anyone ‘xcept her cat
Come around, other than you an me
So you think she needs someone?
To ward off some of those blues?
Well, that may be so you know,
No one likes being utterly aloof
When did she get that way honey
Was a happy enough child I guess
She works herself too much I see
Though makes so little progress
Did Minnie hear any of this?
Some tears are surely rolling
She flung that door open wide
Took the car out , went driving
She was back with the fading day
Spoke to none, didn’t Minnie
She had dinner by herself,
And went to bed early
Morning found her room all cold
Just a note flapping on the pillow
Mommy held it close to her heart
they wept, graying, getting old
And days went by, and months and months
They were angry and bitter and morose
Why their child now hated them
Never came back nor called or wrote
He knew not what to think of it
when daddy heard the bell one day
they leapt and rushed without a doubt
It did ring in that familiar way
There she was all right, their girl
Just a bit older than they knew
They dint hug or welcome her in
For a moment she kept standing too
Then there were smiles, tentative
Tears too there were a few
And they had noticed something in her
their daughter had changed for good
When the night fell calm and quiet
and they were afraid to let her be
for they hadn’t had a word till now
about the while she wasn’t seen
that was the time when they sat
together in a dim light in the porch
and she told them in a dreamy voice
of reasons, all travels, and more
“so down and out was I, you know
for I let you both down so
One day in the park I sat alone
‘twas evening, no, just a dusky glow
I looked at the sky above me then
And some magical surprise it was
It had the cleanest blue I’ve seen
Not a cloud or a bird in sight
I didn’t remember how long
It’d been since I saw the sky this way
I looked at it all right, I know
But saw it the first time that day
I asked myself what else I’d missed
So one by one they came
All those things I should have seen
And known that this was it
Like my dear old cat an’ my pillow
Who are surely the best in this world,
My mom and dad and all their cares
And weekends spent together
Well, I knew in my heart that day
What really does keep me going,
Sure, I dint want to believe it then
But I now I am glad for knowing
It doesn’t drive me, as it should
This dream of making things big
Home and hearth, and books and love
That’s what gives me peace
This ain’t what we set out for
But it’s what I really now want
Others I know there are for sure
For them, could be Acting or Law
Its not simple, this business of life,
You’ve taught me all you could
Will you love me now, as you only can
If I tread the familiar road?
======(c)===================
Some days
To sit by the window on a langorous day
Silver webs of spiders, blue skies stretch away
To let thoughts wander like gypsies of yore
How easy they come, dance, tug, and float
Cup of hot coffee, warm palms, old chair
Quivering of dreams, some magic, all day
Wet earth of the garden, rustling fall leaves
Is it the smell of coffee or of coffee memories?
Days of fairy charm these, so precious, so rare
My little piece of sky, by window, my chair
So clear, the hum of life, in my veins in wet earth
Rendezvous with mystery, a secret spring of mirth
=========(c)==========================
Silver webs of spiders, blue skies stretch away
To let thoughts wander like gypsies of yore
How easy they come, dance, tug, and float
Cup of hot coffee, warm palms, old chair
Quivering of dreams, some magic, all day
Wet earth of the garden, rustling fall leaves
Is it the smell of coffee or of coffee memories?
Days of fairy charm these, so precious, so rare
My little piece of sky, by window, my chair
So clear, the hum of life, in my veins in wet earth
Rendezvous with mystery, a secret spring of mirth
=========(c)==========================
Summertime
Summertime
Slip down swift, low hanging branch
Barefoot run to mildewy garage
Three buddies and a brother and a sister
Sharing cupcakes in the 4’o clock blister
Grown ups, full bellies, all drowsy - asleep,
For they cannot bear the summer sun’s heat
They think its crazy that we can’t be still
For a moment all day, or when starlight spills
Oh, what a waste, there is so much
To do, gather, scatter, build and plunge
Hide in dark corners, seek hidden treasures,
Maps there aren’t, so ingenious measures
All day long, its busy busy time,
Candy for company and sweet drink of lime
We play, we scamper, tell stories and cry
Over Little fights, but make it up alright
Sometimes we hear the grown ups say
‘let them be, ‘tis their time for play’
They will grow up, before one can blink
Of that, this summer they shu’nt have to think
A time that’ll stay in their hearts all life
Like a warmglowing pool of golden light
Just a dip in there, in distress or pain
And they will be happy children again
==========(c)=================
Slip down swift, low hanging branch
Barefoot run to mildewy garage
Three buddies and a brother and a sister
Sharing cupcakes in the 4’o clock blister
Grown ups, full bellies, all drowsy - asleep,
For they cannot bear the summer sun’s heat
They think its crazy that we can’t be still
For a moment all day, or when starlight spills
Oh, what a waste, there is so much
To do, gather, scatter, build and plunge
Hide in dark corners, seek hidden treasures,
Maps there aren’t, so ingenious measures
All day long, its busy busy time,
Candy for company and sweet drink of lime
We play, we scamper, tell stories and cry
Over Little fights, but make it up alright
Sometimes we hear the grown ups say
‘let them be, ‘tis their time for play’
They will grow up, before one can blink
Of that, this summer they shu’nt have to think
A time that’ll stay in their hearts all life
Like a warmglowing pool of golden light
Just a dip in there, in distress or pain
And they will be happy children again
==========(c)=================
Catching Butterflies
He remembers…
Crouching, Holding breath,
Eyes narrowed, intent
Slow step - step of stealth,
Smells of March wafting about
Backyard fringe of berry shrubs
Beneath his feet, grassy stubs
Steady now! Lub-dub lub-dub
There she was softly alight,
On weightless feet, sunning
Soft rainbow plumes, a-gleaming
Temptress, in mockery reveling!
Stretching out, cutting through space
Quickly cupping palms together,
‘Round a lone nameless flower
Delight! How palms tickled aflutter
He remembers…
Panting, as he ran forth to Sophy
Make her smile, what a rare trophy
Rainbow thrills, aquiver softly
“Lookey here neighbor,
Live across that fence, over there!
Thought you’d like a li’l souvenir,
We could be friends, y’know, if you care?”
Suspicion, suspended on her brow
Sophy, stealing glances for the prize
Careful or away it flies,
Give me your hands, there! Surprise!
Shrieks of horror, she runs away
Turns back at me just this once,
Mouth contorted in disgust
“Freak! Go away!” outburst…
I don’t understand, not now either
What’s wrong with a gift so lovely?
Even in death butterflies are comely
Well, the rainbow was there, mostly!
He remembers... the note under his door
“Don’t catch butterflies, they die!”
Silly girls! What good’s a butterfly
That flies away? Now or later, it must die
==========(copyright)========================
Crouching, Holding breath,
Eyes narrowed, intent
Slow step - step of stealth,
Smells of March wafting about
Backyard fringe of berry shrubs
Beneath his feet, grassy stubs
Steady now! Lub-dub lub-dub
There she was softly alight,
On weightless feet, sunning
Soft rainbow plumes, a-gleaming
Temptress, in mockery reveling!
Stretching out, cutting through space
Quickly cupping palms together,
‘Round a lone nameless flower
Delight! How palms tickled aflutter
He remembers…
Panting, as he ran forth to Sophy
Make her smile, what a rare trophy
Rainbow thrills, aquiver softly
“Lookey here neighbor,
Live across that fence, over there!
Thought you’d like a li’l souvenir,
We could be friends, y’know, if you care?”
Suspicion, suspended on her brow
Sophy, stealing glances for the prize
Careful or away it flies,
Give me your hands, there! Surprise!
Shrieks of horror, she runs away
Turns back at me just this once,
Mouth contorted in disgust
“Freak! Go away!” outburst…
I don’t understand, not now either
What’s wrong with a gift so lovely?
Even in death butterflies are comely
Well, the rainbow was there, mostly!
He remembers... the note under his door
“Don’t catch butterflies, they die!”
Silly girls! What good’s a butterfly
That flies away? Now or later, it must die
==========(copyright)========================
Saturday, January 23, 2010
To Mommy with Love
I was refilling my tea canister the other morning. Idle thoughts were playing tag inside my head. What flavor for the tea today? Ginger? Cardamom?
Hubby says I hardly use the five million different tea powders we have foraged from Ceylon to Munnar. Why this brand?
Hmmmm… Mother always uses this brand. Okay. There you are! Am I still trying to play Mommy? Draping her endlessly long, not to mention tall sari around my six year old frame, bumming about the home in her oversized slippers? Well! Who knows?
Then I began to deliberately think of all the little things I do, not out of conscious choice, but just because, thats how its done at my place!! Puh-len-tee!!
I am not proud or happy about all of them. Baking however, is the thank God for it item in this list. Let me be clear here. Kitchen was the last place in our house where I could be found. There was no need for help over there. Mom managed it alone and beautifully. All I cared was, we got smackalicious food every single day, customized to our crazy idiosyncrasies(like one brother hating anything that remotely resembled mustard in his food, the other one a chilly buff, me living mostly for a good serving of Basmati rice , so on and so forth). Some of the best memories are walking into the home after a long evening of rough play, hungry, drawn in by the most divine aroma of freshly baked cupcakes. Then there was this time when my father went a-tin-searching in the kitchen looking for a quick bite, happened to bite into some horribly acrid white slab, and threw away the whole package of pricey yeast! That was no consoling mother for a long time. Those little fellows from that white slab made many a Sunday breakfasts absolutely delightful! Soft, fragrant thick slices of bread, buttered way beyond excess, with Jam or pickles piled on for good measure. It may seem incredible to people who have known me as a child that I ever took a liking to cooking (and an obscene obsession to baking), but seen from my perspective, there was no event more predictable.
Some of the most enjoyable time I have spent last year in my lovely apartment kitchen has been accompanied by my trusty oven. It has seen it all; chewy early batches of burnt cocoa, too embarrassing to be called chocolate cake, to golden crisp batches of buttery croissants. Every time something as amazing as only a homemade baked good can be, hops out of this oven, I send secret thanks to Mommy. I cannot think of a more fitting way of sending a muwaah her way than by sharing the recipe of her awesomely beautiful Marble Cake. THIS is what one calls a repertoire.
Ingredients:
Eggs: 3
Flour: 1 ½ Cups
Powdered Sugar : 1 ½ Cups
Butter (softened) : 1 Cup
Baking Powder : 1 tsp
Water : ½ cup
Unsweetened Cocoa : 1 Tbsp or bittersweet Chocolate – 100 gms
Vanilla essence : 1 tsp
Preheat oven to 180 C. Butter / Line an 8 inch cake pan (be generous with the butter!). Sift the flour and baking powder together. If you would be using chocolate instead of cocoa powder, now is the time to melt it (over a double boiler or in a hot water bath, without letting chocolate container come in contact with direct heat). Keep the chocolate mixture in a hot water bath (50 – 60 C) till the time rest of the steps are through. Cream the butter and sugar, till butter becomes fluffy. Add eggs and flour alternating with each other and mix well after each addition. Now, dissolve the vanilla essence in water and add it to this mixture. After the consistency of this batter is smooth and spoonable, divide the mixture into two equal parts. You may choose to keep one portion a little short of half if you are planning to use molten chocolate. Add the chocolate / cocoa to one part of the flour mixture and briskly incorporate it thoroughly.
Now comes the most surreal part. Spoon the vanilla and chocolate mixture into the pan in alternating layers. Once you are done (I prefer the top layer to be vanilla), run a fork in a ‘Z’ in the batter once. This will give the cake that swirly marbled look.
Bake at 180 C, for 45 – 50 Mins, till a skewer inserted at the center comes out clean. Let the cake rest in its pan for five minutes before running a knife around the sides and inverting the pan on a wire rack to cool.
After the cake is completely cooled, slice… and you will be proud of yourself dear. Swirling layers of chocolate and vanilla look like a match made in the heaven...taste even better!
Hubby says I hardly use the five million different tea powders we have foraged from Ceylon to Munnar. Why this brand?
Hmmmm… Mother always uses this brand. Okay. There you are! Am I still trying to play Mommy? Draping her endlessly long, not to mention tall sari around my six year old frame, bumming about the home in her oversized slippers? Well! Who knows?
Then I began to deliberately think of all the little things I do, not out of conscious choice, but just because, thats how its done at my place!! Puh-len-tee!!
I am not proud or happy about all of them. Baking however, is the thank God for it item in this list. Let me be clear here. Kitchen was the last place in our house where I could be found. There was no need for help over there. Mom managed it alone and beautifully. All I cared was, we got smackalicious food every single day, customized to our crazy idiosyncrasies(like one brother hating anything that remotely resembled mustard in his food, the other one a chilly buff, me living mostly for a good serving of Basmati rice , so on and so forth). Some of the best memories are walking into the home after a long evening of rough play, hungry, drawn in by the most divine aroma of freshly baked cupcakes. Then there was this time when my father went a-tin-searching in the kitchen looking for a quick bite, happened to bite into some horribly acrid white slab, and threw away the whole package of pricey yeast! That was no consoling mother for a long time. Those little fellows from that white slab made many a Sunday breakfasts absolutely delightful! Soft, fragrant thick slices of bread, buttered way beyond excess, with Jam or pickles piled on for good measure. It may seem incredible to people who have known me as a child that I ever took a liking to cooking (and an obscene obsession to baking), but seen from my perspective, there was no event more predictable.
Some of the most enjoyable time I have spent last year in my lovely apartment kitchen has been accompanied by my trusty oven. It has seen it all; chewy early batches of burnt cocoa, too embarrassing to be called chocolate cake, to golden crisp batches of buttery croissants. Every time something as amazing as only a homemade baked good can be, hops out of this oven, I send secret thanks to Mommy. I cannot think of a more fitting way of sending a muwaah her way than by sharing the recipe of her awesomely beautiful Marble Cake. THIS is what one calls a repertoire.
Ingredients:
Eggs: 3
Flour: 1 ½ Cups
Powdered Sugar : 1 ½ Cups
Butter (softened) : 1 Cup
Baking Powder : 1 tsp
Water : ½ cup
Unsweetened Cocoa : 1 Tbsp or bittersweet Chocolate – 100 gms
Vanilla essence : 1 tsp
Preheat oven to 180 C. Butter / Line an 8 inch cake pan (be generous with the butter!). Sift the flour and baking powder together. If you would be using chocolate instead of cocoa powder, now is the time to melt it (over a double boiler or in a hot water bath, without letting chocolate container come in contact with direct heat). Keep the chocolate mixture in a hot water bath (50 – 60 C) till the time rest of the steps are through. Cream the butter and sugar, till butter becomes fluffy. Add eggs and flour alternating with each other and mix well after each addition. Now, dissolve the vanilla essence in water and add it to this mixture. After the consistency of this batter is smooth and spoonable, divide the mixture into two equal parts. You may choose to keep one portion a little short of half if you are planning to use molten chocolate. Add the chocolate / cocoa to one part of the flour mixture and briskly incorporate it thoroughly.
Now comes the most surreal part. Spoon the vanilla and chocolate mixture into the pan in alternating layers. Once you are done (I prefer the top layer to be vanilla), run a fork in a ‘Z’ in the batter once. This will give the cake that swirly marbled look.
Bake at 180 C, for 45 – 50 Mins, till a skewer inserted at the center comes out clean. Let the cake rest in its pan for five minutes before running a knife around the sides and inverting the pan on a wire rack to cool.
After the cake is completely cooled, slice… and you will be proud of yourself dear. Swirling layers of chocolate and vanilla look like a match made in the heaven...taste even better!
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